Relationships Archives

When I met my husband years ago, I was introduced to the world of a practical, DIY, go-getter who doesn’t hesitate to dirty his hands to get the job done. Initially, I’d get very excited at the prospect of tackling a new project around the house. The thought of spending time together doing something to enhance our love nest even sounded strangely romantic. The mental pictures I envisioned of the end product were always very appealing.

But (doesn’t there always seem to be a “but”?), becoming part of this go-getter’s world took some getting used to! Due to my low threshold for sensory stimuli, my first reaction to a proposed new project would usually be a cautious, firm handbrake sounding like: “But what about…”, “But have you thought about…?”, “But let me just check first…” or simply “I don’t think so!” Thankfully my hubby knows by now how to ease me into any new ideas and projects.

So, what is this difference in approach between people seeking extra sensory stimulation and those trying to avoid it (subconsciously of course), like myself?

As a rule of thumb, sensory seekers enthusiastically create new projects in their minds and love sharing it. They have lots of plans, ideas and often excess initial energy. Imagine Donkey (from the Shrek movies) … FULL OF LIFE!
On the other side, we have sensory avoiders who cautiously analyze these newly proposed projects, breaking it down to specific tasks and responsibilities and often getting fixated on intricate details. Enters Shrek!

I am often amazed (and exhausted) by a sensory seeker’s ability to not only come up with exciting ideas and plans but also their ability to give attention to simultaneous tasks, seeming to be in complete control of all the various activities… seeming… By closer inspection though, there’s often a task-oriented and logical sensory avoider running around behind the scenes, organising and arranging tasks to make things happen.

So, the question pops up: who is approaching the project best? Donkey or Shrek? In my humble opinion, I believe the best approach is a joint venture where the seeker’s energetic go-getter ambition is complimented by the avoider’s organizational approach with an end result of magic projects!

Donkey will be lost without Shrek and Shrek will be missing out on life without Donkey.

To find out whether you’re a sensory seeker, -neutral, or – avoider, complete your Sensory Matrix™.

My husband and I appear to be pretty similar. We are both tall, skinny and have easy-going temperaments. There are however some very distinct differences between us. These can most clearly be seen in our underwear drawers.

Opening my husband’s underwear drawer you will find neatly folded, colour coded undies in orderly piles. There is also a specific rotation procedure in place, ensuring that all undies are worn systematically. Opening my underwear drawer, chaos is unleashed. There is no order, there is no colour coding and there is certainly nothing resembling neat piles.

Are one of us right and the other one wrong in our approach to underwear orderliness?

Nope, we just have different sensory thresholds. My husband has a low visual threshold meaning that he functions optimally with minimal visual input and may become easily overwhelmed by visually chaotic and cluttered environments. I, on the other hand, have a high sensory threshold. I thrive on an abundance of visual input. Give me colours, give me shapes, give me visual variety.

So what happens when you are in a relationship with someone with a different sensory threshold to you?

Well, it can sometimes create subconscious stress and lead to a fight or flight response. Fight or flight refers to the physiological changes that our bodies undergo in response to stress. This includes an increase in blood pressure, accelerated heart and lung function as well as suppression of the immune system. On a subconscious level, the brain of a low threshold individual may feel threatened when exposed to certain sensory input. The brain responds to this potential ‘threat’ through a stress response. This response prepares the body to ‘fight’ or ‘flight’ (i.e. run away). You can imagine the negative impact on our day-to-day functioning if one is constantly experiencing underlying stress in response to sensory stimuli in the environment. Practically, this response can lead to irritation and frustration which, in a relationship, has the potential to result in conflict.

Before I had insight into my husband’s sensory threshold, I thought he was sometimes just a big old grump! He would be moody about things that did not even register on my radar. What I realise now, is that he is not choosing to be a grump. Instead, his body is undergoing a response to the sensory input in the environment, which he has no control over. This is a subconscious reaction and not a conscious one.

What helped me come to this realisation was when we both completed and compared sensory assessments. Suddenly we developed a whole new understanding and respect for each other. We now better understand our sensory differences and similarities. We have also come to know and respect each other’s sensory needs and sensory stressors.

Practically, what does this mean?

Well, in our case, when I sort our underwear from the laundry. I make sure that his undies are neatly folded, colour coded and in orderly piles. I also comply with the strict undies systematic rotation procedure. This keeps my husband happy; which in turn keeps me happy. And, I guess this keeps his undies happy too.

If you want to know what is driving your underwear drawer organisation, complete your Sensory Matrix™ self-assessment…

By Karen Potgieter

Category: Relationships

Sensory seeking or Sensory avoiding?

The underwear drawer